I was pretty sure I was a trans woman long before I ever uttered the words out loud. From the moment I had given the idea any kind of actual thought I was pretty sure that I had finally found the answer that I hadn’t always fully realized I was searching for. I had always known I was not quite a man, or at least, nothing like the men I knew. Nothing even like the gay men I knew, because they wanted to be seen as and are, men. But that was never what I wanted. For as long as I could remember I always saw myself in my minds eye as female. I never thought particularly much of it, it just was. But when I did finally start to think about it I realized that this didn’t seem ‘normal’. Did other people see themselves in this way or was it just me? I didn’t know how to explain it, so the easiest thing I could think to do was simply not to think about it. It wasn’t a pressing issue, so why bother?
The problem was the older I got the more pressing the issue of my gender identity became and the more I realized that I not questioning it wasn’t a solution.
It took quite a long time for me to fully realize who I was, and part of that could be attributed to simply not wanting to acknowledge it, but part of it may simply have been it wasn’t time for me to realize about myself. Whatever the case, when I finally did realize it there was really only one thing I could do to figure out what the hell I was feeling. Write.
J.K.Rowling, who I quote an absurd amount in my life and on this blog once said, “I know what I believe because of what I have written.” And for me that is one of the most powerful quotes she has ever said, because I have often found that the best way to sort through one’s problems… is to write them out. Writing is my therapy at times, and it’s pretty effective, this is not to say that I am in any way against therapy in fact I would argue the two can and should be used in conjunction with one another more often, because sometimes it’s hard to know just how you feel or how to deal with it until you put it into clear words that you can see. It doesn’t mean it’s always a solution or that the answer has to come from non-fiction/diary entries, there’s a lot of truth to fiction and maybe the answer to a question you didn’t even know you were asking yourself can be found in the pages of something you’ve written.