I don’t really remember what made me think about it for the first time. Somewhere in the middle of moving I’d begun to think about my gender, I’d been confident of my sexuality, or so I thought, for a number of years at that point and yet, something still felt off. I had met a friend with whom I became close and who happened to be a trans man. I didn’t immediately question anything, in fact, at that point I had already decided that I rather liked the idea of drag as a way to cope with what I now realize was dysphoria but at the time I couldn’t quite explain it. Still, with everything that had happened, I was forced to think about a great deal and remember a great deal I had tried to repress for all those years. So without realizing it would mean anything I decided to let myself consider the idea of transitioning. Of being able to be myself the way I had always seen myself. Female.
I realized rather quickly that this was the answer I’d been looking for to so many things and it was a bit overwhelming for a long time. What followed was one of the darkest years of my life. I didn’t even realize I was depressed until after, but the crippling realization that I had in fact figured out who I was, but I had no possible way of doing anything about it had made me wish to crawl into bed for the rest of eternity. I somehow managed to go to school, (this being my last year of college), but beyond that, I didn’t want to do anything. I’m not sure when it really subsided, or what made me finally start to feel somewhat normal again. Maybe it was when I was first able to buy my own clothes and my own makeup that I really started to feel like there was a possibility that I could do this.
Coming to understand who you are is never easy, but one thing I have learned is that it’s so worth it. I’m still early-ish in my transition and while there are still things about my body I’m self conscious about and don’t care for (the obvious notwithstanding) the one thing I know for sure is that I would rather be myself exactly as I am, than go back to my life before.